that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
