omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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