Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
a search helicopter?!
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
