Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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