dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Randomize
