It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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