dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm too high and old for this...
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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