You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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