Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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