It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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