I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
