I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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