just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
