Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
