I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
