I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
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