if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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