i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
