Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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