i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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