Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
