it's like iHOP with fire
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm at about main and main street
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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