don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
