Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
