Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
