The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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