God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
