As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
