I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
