3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
