I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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