I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
