Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
