There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
