There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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