eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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