Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
