I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
