He asked to "fluff my boner.."
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
