You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
