there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
