I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
