It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
