Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
