What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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