Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Randomize
