I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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