you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Sorry my hands just texted you
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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