I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
