I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
